Nothing Like A Black Mother's Care.
Happy Mother's Day to all the Black mamas, this one is for us.
As a Black mother, wash day has always been a day that all parties involved hate more than anything. However, the smile on that little girl’s face when her hair is done makes the experience not only worth it, but the moment priceless.
Even if you are a boy mom, you were once just a girl.
I came across a video of someone explaining the true origins of Mother’s Day, and how the day was meant to be a movement, not this commercialized experience to opt into capitalism. It’s got me thinking about how much Black women need a movement right now, and Black mothers.
Rather than getting us all fired up on a day for rest and appreciation, based on how we’ve been groomed to celebrate, Bianca Ducasse’s submission felt right.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the Black mothers in the Blackstack community!
Hair Day, Softened
Written by Bianca Ducasse
A couple days before Sunday would arrive, I would make sure to announce to my six and a half year old daughter, “We are doing your hair on Sunday.” She’d look up at me, a frown growing on her face, and I would see her eyes well with tears.
It is a full day of preparation with her type 4 curls:
undo the braids (or style),
massage the scalp,
wash,
let the conditioner sit,
rinse,
massage the scalp,
detangle,
blow dry (sometimes),
style (or braid)
admire the work in front of the mirror
In the past, she’d scream her way through it all, high and sharp. No matter what ice cream or candy was put in her hands, no matter if Ada Twist the Scientist was playing on the television, no matter if she was given the luxury of having a tablet in her hands.
Her father would hide in his office with the door closed. Every so often he’d poke his head out the door with his eyes bulging, “Is it really that bad? Does it hurt that much?” he’d ask me.
By this time, my face is stern, my shoulders are tight, and I’ve been praying for at least three hours for patience. I would look at him, shrug my shoulders, “It’s different for everyone…but I have to do this, she has to go through it.”
Like her, I, too, began to dread hair day. But I knew better: when she was about three or four years old, before she knew how to read, I went searching for a book that I could read to her. I discovered Wash Day with Mama by Monica Mikai, a story that framed hair day as a special moment to spend time with mom because mom was turning home into a spa.
My daughter lit up when I read the title, and she was focused as my voice fluctuated throughout the story. When we got to the page of the daughter sitting in the chair, her face swollen with tears and fatigue, she pointed, “Oh, wow!” she exclaimed, “That’s me! That’s how I feel.”
The next hair day, I approached it in the same way: with an announcement a couple days before. But something had shifted in her. Her response was gentle, a slight nod. “Okay,” was all she replied. The day of, I washed her hair over the kitchen sink, our faces to each other. Under the warm water, her curls grew heavy in my hands. Instead of her eyes being squeezed shut in panic, she was looking around, looking at me. She smiled, “I think I’m at a spa.”
Bingo.
Last year, a community member put together a Mother’s Day mini magazine for us to enjoy. Several members submitted for the cause, and it feels good to share that experience again for Mother’s Day!
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Hair wash day is such a powerful and sacred ritual amongst Black households and it's beautiful to see it be framed as a spa day versus a painful chore. Thank you so much for sharing this read!!
We all have our own sacred memories of wash day with our moms. A lot of bonding was had even though we cried and complained. I miss those days. Happy Mother's Day to all.