Week 17: Sunday Service Announcements

Sorry, not sorry, Ms. Jackson. We write to heal parts of ourselves locked away; storytelling is vulnerable to inspire others to expand, and our writings are the documentation we needed back then.

Seventeen weeks multiple writers contributed to this idea because I wanted us to feel that nostalgic feeling of church growing up. The memories might not be pleasant, and the emotions attached have lingered far too long.

Today, as I am wrapping up the curation of this week’s newsletter, I realize how much we have all grown, healed, and expanded since the first week. Our penmanship has evolved, through our vulnerability we gain confidence, and our consistency in showing up has inspired a whole community of Black writers!

Last Sunday,

Katz Llale

told us about the power we hold in our words when we write, and at the table for Sunday Dinner,

btheglitch

introduced us to the concept of liminal space. Today’s Sunday Service Announcements demonstrate what it looks like to navigate through the craftsmanship of writing our way out of the darkness, expanding into new timelines and identities.

Our writings are the documents of our discoveries, the blueprint to change. Storytelling to inspire. And we keep writing because it heals those parts of us that we lock away and try to throw away the key. Sorry, not sorry, Ms. Jackson.

I want you to share with me in the comments and be honest.

• Think about a time when you were down to your last and you didn’t see a way out, what was your worst fear at that time?

• How did that situation work out?

• That lesson you learned from that experience, do you think it could save somebody else’s life going through a similar situation?

• If it’s your past and you are better now, then have you shared your testimony in a vulnerable way? In the way that you needed to hear it when you were going through it.

Just know when you are ready, there is a spot in Sunday Service Announcements with your name on it.

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Thou shall find comfort in the unknown.

Zaria Reign Arthur

I heard you clear as day in my dreams. Calling for me to become, but I was numb and tired, I was losing faith. You told me to jump, but I was afraid of falling so hard that I’d perish.

If this doesn’t work, Spirit, I am done!

I will give it my all this time and I won’t stop! The vision looks rewarding but my life is nothing like that. It seemed out of reach, almost impossible. I have no money or food, and I’m on my last bottle of water and you want me to continue this so-called “Walk of Faith”.

How?

Haven’t I demonstrated enough that I want this? Haven’t I shown that I will keep going? Are you pushing me to the edge?

Zaria’s Old Voice: September 17, 2023

“I’m leaping into this unknown space. This is the space that I normally fear and try to solve the problem. This is normally when I start to panic and have anxiety about the ‘how’ or ‘when’. This is when my masculine, survival skills become dominant. Not today!”

The transition into the unknown was smooth and with ease, I thought that was the last leap. Why do I have to go through more? I’m a preacher’s kid and nobody told me about this part. I used to sit in church at least four times a week: early service, normal service, Wednesday night Bible Study, and Youth Bible Study.

How many more leaps of faith, God?

More tower moments happened. My old life, as I knew it, was disappearing.

It’s a bittersweet feeling.

Isolation gives you time to grieve, feel, and be. In the space of the unknown, I found my sanctuary. My perspective of my reality shifted, if I didn’t have food or water, I was fasting. Those moments of fear, worry, and anxiety were signals to me to regulate my nervous system.

“Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen”

Hebrews 11:1

I remember having a conversation with a friend a while back. I told her that I would never ask God to “use me” because I was terrified of what that meant. Growing up as the preacher’s kid, you follow the rules, no explanation conditioned to believe “It’s pleasing to God”.

However, I made the decision not to please because that didn’t sound fun.

I ran until God gave me the vision, and it’s a feeling that you can’t shake or hide from. It’s a feeling that won’t let you give up. You have no choice but to surrender to the vision. I let go with grace by giving myself permission to feel all of it.

I surrendered to what was happening while holding the vision. There wasn’t any turning back for me. I didn’t want to go back to my old life, thoughts, and feelings. Even though my life was burning to the ground, I found true peace.

My faith in the unknown, my intuition to guide me, and writing my way through the emotions gave me clarity. The uncomfortable emotions like confusion, exhaustion, frustration, and cloudiness flow in and out just like happiness, peace, clarity, and solace. Peace comes with balance and understanding.

Zaria’s Old Voice: September 19, 2023

“I know this seems unsafe and unclear right now but I got you and our younger self. Just know I will heal to protect us. Life gets better. There will always be times of uncomfortable moments but life is beautiful. I’m proud of you Neisha. You will be financially stable, but just know that’s the beginning. If no one has ever said this to you, I want you to know that you are courageous, and your feelings are who you are, yes you are delusional but that’s the best part of you. No one has to understand your journey but you and your Divine Team. You’re not lazy, you live a soft life, a life where it is easy, and you align with things. You’re at the right place, at the right time and everything is aligning perfectly. Everything always works in your favor. I am bettering my situation.”

The unknown has been kind and gentle with me. I used to be scared of it but learned to become more comfortable with it because faith creates beautiful experiences.

I had to let go of the old me. In hindsight, I did leap right into the unknown, Thailand. I remember sitting on my patio, smoking a blunt, holding myself crying because I didn’t know what to expect. There was a lot of self-soothing and self-validation during my isolation season. I needed every moment of those two years to redefine myself and create a world where I show up as all of me, the full version of me, uncut, raw, unedited, and unfiltered.

There’s an unexplainable stillness that happens when you shift. Your world from the outside looking in, seems unstable, unsafe, or high-risk. If you’re truly being led by God and your intuition, it will never be unsafe. There will be thousands of unclear moments, even moments that don’t make sense at all, but when it’s time to move forward, all the answers will become crystal clear.

Let us close with a prayer:

I trust in the highest timeline for me. I trust in the most expedient series of events to get me to where I want to be and to get me to where I need to go. And so because of that, I completely trust that if this is not for me, it will be made clear to me quickly and clearly. If it is for me, it will be made clear to me and I will not have any doubts about it. If it’s for me, it will feel like a warm hug and embrace. If it’s not for me, it will fall through in a way I cannot ignore. Either way, I’m good because I trust that one day I’m going to look back on this moment, whatever does or doesn’t happen from here, and see how it was all perfect!

Amen

Asé

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Thou shall honor thy alchemy.

Cole Yvonne

The Art of Suppression

I survived 34 years of life suppressing every uncomfortable feeling felt.

Every awful experience, I packed it down, way down.

And never thought of it again.

Until I did.

The weight of it all sat on my shoulders,

in my jaw,

and in every breath of this fruit-filled vapor.

This went on for many years.

I have made art of the method of packing and suppressing, an involuntary action.

Like the beat of my anxious heart.

Some days I feel okay or unnervingly calm.

In preparation for the day, I’ll face the shadowy moments locked away in the vault of my mind.

Those memories are tiny pieces that makeup who I am.

So much beauty and fear. Shame and delight. Love and chaos.

For all that I am, I never allow myself to simply be.

I hide behind my beautiful smile and artistic capabilities.

I show the world the version of myself I want them to see,

not who hides because she doesn’t understand herself emotionally.

A Goddess of Creation who packs it all away and leaves it for another day, week, or month, maybe even years.

Afraid and ashamed of the person she’s become, living every day, guarded by her fears.

Holding it all down is painful. It eats away at my spirit. Letting go sounds easy, but it’s harder when your whole life is wrapped in it.

I close my eyes.

I take a deep breath. I exhale.

I allow myself to release.

Revealing all of the wonders of my void for you to see, feel, and witness me heal.

Discomfort

A knot in my throat, tightness in my shoulders.

The sting of tears behind my eyes.

Anxiety floods through my bloodstream like a tsunami making landfall.

The urge to fight, flight, or freeze looms over me like an anvil.

I take a deep breath to choose.

Freeze. Be very still.

Flight. Leave. Run. Hide.

Fight. Stay and do something.

But what do I do?

The discomfort turns to confusion.

Now, I’m frozen, again.

Searching for the right words to say, the right path to take.

Questioning everything while choosing nothing.

I want to move beyond the discomfort.

I feel like I can.

I know that I can.

But the discomfort surrounds me

Squeezing me tighter and tighter

I… cant…

I can’t catch my breath.

I’m desperate to feel anything

but discomfort.

Grasping at even the slightest bit of hope.

Anxious for any sign of acceptance.

The truth is.

I must accept the discomfort.

Embrace it.

Don’t try to manipulate it.

Don’t try to figure it out.

Just be in the discomfort.

Let the tears flow.

Let my shoulders relax.

Scream and release the knot.

Rest in this discomfort, it’s not permanent.

It will pass.

Give it time.

Give it the attention that it needs.

Let it stay a little while.

Then send it on its way.

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Prayer Hotline

I pray you restore your faith in the unknown.

I pray just for today you know that you can, then believe it again the next day.

I pray you find peace in the chaos.

I pray you weather the storms.

I pray you find comfort in the discomfort.

I pray you know this too shall pass.

I pray you release the tension in your body and relax your shoulders.

I pray you take care of yourself, that stress will kill you.

I pray you save yourself before you wait any longer for them to come.

I pray you free yourself from the urge to fight, flight, and freeze.

I pray you treat yourself like a work of art.

I pray these things over you and that you find truth in them.

Amen.

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