Week 23: Sunday Service Announcements

We must realize we deserve it all because it is ours. The way we style our hair, the way we walk and talk, the unbreakable bond that holds together our love, we are the foundation, we can build more!

Truthfully, I’m still navigating how to continue life after death, and coming back to writing has been difficult because, obviously, it feels like there is nothing else to write about. I have tried to escape in other’s words and get lost in creative projects that make me feel at home and safe.

Sunday Service Announcements started with that same intention. Embarking on a rite of passage that led me to new lands now I call home, Sunday Service Announcement was birthed during this time. It feels safe and at home on this black screen getting lost in the words of other Black writers while weaving mine throughout the draft.

Then, on Sunday morning, we all come together in the comments and Notes feed to share yet again how much we share the same cultural experiences. The next couple of Sunday Service Announcements will be with words submitted to be published not specifically for Sunday Service Announcements, but for me, it feels like the best way to keep going while “wrapping up” the loose ends for the year.

We are all storytellers, and this space thrives from our storytimes. Let Sundays for the remainder of this year serve as our day to gather and share our story. Today, our sister

Camille

shares a story told in routines, and our sister

chandra

shares another story from the lovestack.

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Brush: a story told in routines

Camille

There are six detangler brushes in my house, three rattail combs forever smelling of ECO style, and a bright pink edge comb-brush combo. They will ghost me then reappear like an ex with a habit of forgetting my adoration. When the brushes go missing I curl my toes on the last strand of my nerves. But these are the hairbrushes I’ve chosen for my family. They do the work of detangling hair with delicacy and gentleness. Untangling the knots in my family’s hair as I unfurl memories.

My father said, “You are Black first. Before anything else, people will know you are Black.” He taught me how to moisturize my face and enjoy a good long walk, but he never put a brush to my hair. Country boys stack problems, they don’t untwine more than what’s needed.

My mother’s habit was similar but sung in a different tune. She told me I looked like a bag lady. It was out loud and in public she’s proclaim my hair looked bad. She’d hand me a paddle and tell me to take care of it. She wanted me to do the hardest work before she put my hair up in French braids so tight people would said, “I know you’re Asian because of your eyes.” Those brush bristles were a battlefield where my sense of self was sacrificed by the brrrruurrtttt of my curls being formed to their shame.

All the moisture my hair needed was poured out through my childhood tears.

I am a mother now. Our Sunday night ritual is to cleanses our scalps and our spirits. I make sure my loving combs and brushes are within reach. My husband lathers our kids’ hair twice then conditions and brushes their hair with a Felicia Leatherwood brush. I sing affirmations to my children as I comb their dampened textures with an unbrush. I massage warm oils from the roots to the tips of their crowns. I wrap their heads with satin as delicate as our spirits.

The inheritance they receive is built from my lack. But what is new about this? I am a Black mother and I alchemize love in the places people will find their regrets.

In the morning, we wash out the oils then drink smoothies as we plot dry our hair. I think of all the mornings I spent staring at my bathroom window figuring out how to accept myself beyond my parents’ shame. I ravel our nearly dried hair and LOC each beloved strand on our heads. My kids begin complaining that some routines are longer than others. I thought it was because they wanted me to stop. I now choose to believe their complaints are a desire for my touch and attention. I explain to them that they have different textures and curl patterns. I think of my mama and myself. Motherhood comes in textures and the rituals we make create patterns of self-awareness. My mama loved me but did not know how to embrace my Blackness in a way that affirmed me. She just wanted me to fit in because she thought it would make me safe. But how can I ever be safe in a world that chooses to do what it does to Black women? Like I said, there’s textures to love.

After one of my children had an anxiety attack, I brushed their hair with our gentlest brush and put it in braids. I felt their body releasing tension at my touch. They asked me to massage their scalp and when I did, they said “I don’t like calling these French braids, I want to call them African braids because of our ancestors.” I smiled gently and kissed their forehead before dividing their hair.

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On a scale of one to ten.

chandra

Hi BlackStack readers, 

It’s Chandra, and I’m back with another LoveStack column exclusively for BlackStack. In last month’s edition, we posed a series of thought-provoking topics around love, dating, and relationships for discussion. Of those, the theme around “high-value men and women existing in the world of dating and marriage” elicited the most responses in the comments section. So this month, I thought we could pull on that thread.

You know the scene above. As the unofficial indentured servant to her stepmom and miserable stepsisters, poor Cinderella slaves away day and night doing every thankless household chore known to man. Her evil family naturally hides her away from public view for obvious reasons—her beauty, innocence, and apparent charm. With the help of her mouse friends and the wave of a wand from her fairy godmother, she sets off to the event of the year in a tricked-out carriage and dazzling couture.

After just a few short hours of sashaying around at the ball, she catches the eye of the Prince Charming. And as any charismatic baddie knows, when you’ve caught the attention of the guy all the girls want, you leave first and make the man chase after you. If you can manage it, casually leave behind a memento for him to remember you by. Men like this (princes and such) love a chase and love to win. And there you have it—bag secured.

This is, of course, a comedic take on a beloved Disney classic. But underneath the animation magic, this story of rags to riches and the humble young woman attracting the wealthy, most eligible suitor continues to captivate global audiences over and over again. While Meghan Markle was no Cinderella—not by a long shot—there was some element of this narrative present in her betrothal to Britain’s highly eligible Prince Harry. And there’s that word again: eligible. What makes a person such?

I first came across the term “high-value man” when I was roped into an online conversation about former relationship influencer Kevin Samuels’s online show. If you’re unfamiliar, know that he died a made-for-TV, Santería-inspired ending of all endings. But his claim to fame was telling earnest and sincere Black women who called into his show that they were “average at best.”

On the subject of dating and relationships across cultures, all kinds of customs and traditions have been created and devoted to helping (primarily young) people secure a good match. Many young women of all backgrounds are encouraged to “marry up.” And in pop culture and entertainment, we’ve had the term “baller and shot caller” practically branded onto our brains. Before I even understood the mechanics of partnership and intimate relationship building, I knew as a young woman that, in seeking partnership, I should primarily be looking for financial security.

What qualifies a potential partner as worthy gets a lot more nuanced against the standard societal backdrop when we examine our cultural group. For starters, where wealth is concerned, we know there’s a significant economic gap. The reasons for that are mostly structural. So, if we were to just drill down to a numbers game, very few of us are going to meet the $10k/month take-home pay marker sustained over 3–5 years that Mr. Samuels defined as a preliminary pillar of the coveted “high-value man.” Tyler Perry attempts to broach this topic in a variety of his films and plays, most notably in Daddy’s Little Girls. He loves to see a successful Black woman dating outside her income bracket. Unsurprisingly, Tyler Perry is also on record saying that Black women should be open to receiving love from partners who earn less than they do.

Now is a good time to surface that value within a person is NOT solely related to economic and financial capacity. It’s been proven countless times that people with great economic privilege and access can also be the worst types of humans—large sums of money do not equal virtue and certainly don’t qualify someone as worthy of a relationship. However, when these discussions crop up in larger social forums, commenters tend to start there because it’s an easily quantifiable metric.

Have you ever heard the phrase “birds of a feather flock together”? Do you think it’s true? If you are currently dating and seeking a relationship—situationship people to the side for now; we’ll visit you all on another day—do you have some parameters or requirements for the partner(s) you envision for yourself? What’s most important to you? Are you open to dating outside of your economic bracket? Your religion? Your reading and vocabulary level?

How do you qualify value in another person you would consider worthy of a relationship? I guess the question is: if we set money to the side, and set aside what seems to be a general disdain for the use of the term “value” as it applies to humans, what is most valuable to you in a partner, and how do you determine that? And if we can agree that certain characteristics hold value, then, conversely, there are certainly those that are lower on the scale.

As unsavory as it may seem, assigning terms like high/low value or most/ineligible is a simple attempt to categorize people we’re considering as partners—as viable prospects or potential problems. Regardless of our personal belief systems, we all have qualities and virtues that we prioritize in relationships and others that we’d like to avoid. Perhaps we may prefer more palatable ways of describing our relationship preferences, but the fact remains: we all have them.

Beyond the idealized version of your potential partner that you might have in your brain or be building on your list, famed relationship psychotherapist Esther Perel advises that you should first and foremost imagine the person you wish to be in a relationship before considering what virtue and value a potential partner needs to have, and that feels like the right directive to me.

So weigh in, friends: have you sought out high-value men/women in dating and relationships? Let us know in the comments!

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Prayer Hotline

I pray you have a brighter day.

I pray you smile again.

I pray you that you can be happier than you’ve felt before.

I pray you know you will always be secure when you accept it.

I pray you know there is someone who truly cares.

I pray you know life is forming a brand new meaning.

I pray you realize through the storm brighter days are coming.

I pray you know God is working on your behalf and brings a smile to your face.

I pray you can lift your head to look up no matter how long it’s hung low.

I pray you realize you are a winner.

I pray you keep believing.

I pray you hold on because your change is coming.

I pray you continue to be strong because your work is not.

I pray you recognize your inner greatest and believe you are able.

I pray you use the words of songs as your affirmations.

I pray you believe that you deserve it all.

Amen.

Asé.